Listening: J. S. Bach, The Goldberg Variations, performed by Glenn Gould (the 1955 recording).

Mother Love

I awoke this morning with the ragged tatters of a disturbing dream still fluttering about in my head: I dreamed my mother was dead. I don't recall the particulars of the dream, but I remember I was visiting the cemetery where she was buried and crying.

The dream upset me so much that I called Mom as soon as I had gotten up. I don't believe that dreams foretell the future, but I was shaken enough just to want to hear her voice. I hadn't meant to tell her about my bad dream, but almost as soon as she answered, I blurted it out. Mom, of course, reassured me that she was fine.

I think I know why I had this dream. Last night before falling asleep, I was thinking about Nana. I had talked to my uncle Jim last night, and he had told me he's been having trouble sleeping ever since Nana died. He awakens in the night for an hour or two at a time. I know this must be hard for him because he was so close to Nana.

A week or so ago I wrote that in losing Nana, I have lost one of the few people who loved me unconditionally. My mother is the other person, so I guess the recent loss of Nana is another source of the dream.

I grew up believing that all mothers love their children unconditionally. When I became acquainted with Tab's family, I learned I was wrong. My mother-in-law's love has all kinds of strings attached. She often withholds her affection if Tab has displeased her.

It's a pattern that seems to run in my mother-in-law's family; at any given time one of the sisters wasn't talking to another sister. That sort of family discord is bad enough, but what I couldn't comprehend was how often Stephanie or her sisters would feud with their own children.

I have lost count of the number of times Stephanie has shunned us. If we don't agree with her about something, she interprets our disagreement as a rejection of her and stops calling and visiting. The reasons are usually laughably trivial: Because we were having an outdoor wedding ceremony. Because Tab wouldn't drop everything one weekend and drive her fifty miles for an electrolysis appointment. Because Daniel wore the christening gown that has been in my family for ninety years instead of the gown Tab wore. There are too many other instances to remember.

When I first observed this sort of behavior, I was confused because it was so foreign to my own experience. I can't imagine my own mother rejecting me just because I disagreed with her. She might express her opinion on a subject, but she respects my decisions and doesn't make her affection conditional upon my agreeing with her.

Stephanie: I'll love you if...

...you get married in the Catholic church
(because I'm Catholic so you and your wife and your kids should be, too)

...you invite your distant cousins from Wilmington, whom you've never met, to the wedding
(because they're my relatives)

...you come up to my house this weekend and clean my gutters
(because a son's duty is to take care of his mother)

...you raise your children exactly the way I raised you
(because anything else is a rejection of me)

My mother:

I love you because you are my daughter, and I will always love you no matter what you do.

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